AITA for “wanting to still play video games” after being married?

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Struggling to Balance Hobbies and Marriage

After moving to Germany to be with her husband, a woman finds herself at odds with him over her passion for gaming. While he believes that gaming is a waste of time and urges her to find a more productive hobby, she sees it as a vital escape from homesickness and a way to maintain her identity. This relatable conflict highlights the challenges many couples face in balancing individual interests with shared life goals, especially in a new environment. Can she pursue her passion without feeling guilty, or must she sacrifice her happiness for the sake of their marriage?

Family Drama Over Gaming: A Conflict Resolution Dilemma

A woman recently moved to Germany to be with her husband, leaving behind her gaming PC and much of her previous life. This transition has sparked family drama and wedding tension as she navigates her husband’s views on gaming and hobbies.

Husband’s Perspective:
- Believes gaming does not contribute to their future.
- Encourages her to find a new hobby that is more beneficial financially.
Wife’s Perspective:
- Feels isolated in a new country with limited German language skills.
- Considers gaming a source of comfort and a way to cope with homesickness.
- Has been using her Mac for gaming until it stopped working.
- Wants to buy a new gaming rig but feels unsupported by her husband.

The conflict arises from differing views on hobbies and personal interests. The wife questions whether every activity must have a practical purpose, emphasizing the importance of individual hobbies even within a marriage. She expresses frustration over her husband’s dismissive attitude towards her feelings, feeling that he does not validate her need for enjoyment.

Key Points of Conflict:
- Wife’s desire to buy a gaming rig without her husband’s approval.
- Husband’s reluctance to share his PC and preference for console gaming, which the wife does not enjoy.
- Wife’s feelings of being unsupported despite her efforts to include him in her decision-making.

Despite their love for each other, the couple struggles with communication and understanding each other’s needs. The wife feels that her husband’s lack of support diminishes her happiness, while he perceives her gaming as a distraction from their future together.

Additional Context:
- The wife is 30 years old and has a background in gaming and marketing.
- She is currently learning German and trying to integrate into her new environment.
- She has her own savings and is not asking her husband to finance her gaming rig.

In conclusion, the couple faces a significant conflict resolution challenge as they navigate their differing views on hobbies and personal fulfillment. The wife seeks validation and support for her interests, while the husband prioritizes practicality and future planning. This family drama highlights the complexities of maintaining individuality within a marriage and the importance of open communication.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

I recently moved to Germany to be with my husband. Hence, I have left everything I didn’t need or couldn’t bring, which of course included my gaming PC. My husband knows I’ve been into gaming ever since. However, recently he has made me feel the need to move on from it.

His POV

Gaming does not help us in the future. I kind of understand what he’s saying because literally, it won’t help us financially or whatever.
I should find a new hobby that will help us in the future?

My POV

I barely speak German, the weather is shit here. And gaming makes me feel less homesick. This has been my hobby ever since, and I enjoy doing it. Period.
I’ve settled for playing on my MAC until it wouldn’t charge anymore. Hence, I found the perfect opportunity to replace it with a new rig, but my husband again is saying how can this help us?

What I Don’t Understand

Does everything we do in life have to help us? Can’t we entertain the thought that people have hobbies and other interests?
Can’t we accept the fact that although we are married, we are still two different individuals who have separate hobbies and interests?
I wanted to buy the rig and not tell him and just come home with it, but I wanted to include him in the process. So I told him I wanted to, and instead did not get the emotional support or validation I was hoping for. So now I am upset.

Support and Understanding

He has hobbies and interests too, but I have done nothing but cheer him on and support him. My mentality is life is too short not to enjoy the little things that make you happy. When I tell him how I feel, he brushes me off, saying he does not want to argue with a 10-year-old.

I love him. And despite it all, I know he loves me. Just not the way I need to be loved, I guess.

Additional Concerns

Oh, in addition to this, he has a PC. When I asked him for the password, he said he gave it to me before. I don’t remember, that’s why I ask, but he doesn’t give it directly. Thus, making me feel like he just doesn’t want to let me borrow it.

He also says I should just play with the PS5, but I’m not a console gamer. I don’t enjoy it; hence, it makes me feel like that is a waste of time.

Questions

Am I the asshole for wanting to play video games as a married woman? Should I just make my life about being a wife and a future mom?

EDIT for the Recurring Questions

I am 30F. My last job before getting laid off was for a gaming company, a pretty big one too. I’ve been working for the last 10 years after finishing my MA degree in different industries as a Marketing professional, so I have a bit of money saved up prior to moving. Plus, my parents are okay; we are comfortable in my home country.

I’ve finished learning German formally up to B1 (A1, A2, and B1), but I will say my German is a strong A2 and beginner B1 at best.

My SO is German, 30M, and I am Southeast Asian. We have been in a relationship for 5 years, and I recently just moved to DE this January.

I currently do not have work since I just moved. I practice my German when I go to the supermarket or with my husband’s family. I watch TV series that are in Deutsch and indulge myself in German memes, even though I don’t understand half of them, so I am trying and not locking myself up.

I am not asking him to pay for my rig; I have money to buy my own. I am, for one, including him in this decision since I don’t ever want him to feel blindsided, even though this is my money. What I wanted was a bit of support and validation from him for me to go enjoy my hobby.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the husband is being controlling and disrespectful towards his wife’s hobbies, particularly gaming. Many users emphasize that hobbies do not need to be productive or financially beneficial, and they express concern over the husband’s attempts to dictate what is acceptable for his partner. The overarching sentiment is that the relationship dynamics are unhealthy, and the wife should reconsider her situation if her husband’s attitude does not change.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Conflict in relationships, especially regarding personal interests and hobbies, can be challenging. Here are some practical steps for both the husband and wife to address their concerns and work towards a resolution:

For the Wife:

Communicate Openly: Schedule a calm and uninterrupted time to discuss your feelings with your husband. Express how gaming helps you cope with homesickness and why it’s important to you.
Share Your Perspective: Help him understand that hobbies, including gaming, provide joy and relaxation, which are essential for mental well-being. Emphasize that they don’t always need to be financially productive.
Explore Compromise: Suggest finding a balance where you can enjoy gaming while also engaging in activities that align with your husband’s views on productivity. This could include setting aside specific times for gaming.
Seek Support: Consider joining local gaming communities or online forums to connect with others who share your interests. This can help alleviate feelings of isolation and provide a support network.

For the Husband:

Listen Actively: Approach the conversation with an open mind. Listen to your wife’s feelings about gaming and her need for personal enjoyment. Validate her emotions, even if you don’t fully understand her perspective.
Reflect on Your Views: Consider why you feel gaming is unproductive. Reflect on whether your concerns stem from a desire for practicality or if they are rooted in deeper issues regarding your relationship.
Encourage Exploration: Support your wife in finding hobbies that you both can enjoy together, while also respecting her individual interests. This could lead to shared experiences that strengthen your bond.
Reassess Control: Recognize that trying to control your partner’s hobbies can lead to resentment. Focus on fostering a partnership where both individuals feel free to pursue their interests.

Joint Steps for Both:

Set Boundaries: Agree on boundaries regarding gaming time and shared spaces. This can help both partners feel respected and valued.
Seek Professional Help: If communication remains difficult, consider couples therapy. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and help both partners express their needs effectively.
Celebrate Each Other’s Interests: Make an effort to learn about each other’s hobbies. This can create a deeper understanding and appreciation for what brings joy to each partner.

By taking these steps, both partners can work towards a healthier dynamic that respects individual interests while fostering a supportive and loving relationship.