AITA for not paying my dad back after he technically owes me tens of thousands?

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When Family Ties Are Tested by Betrayal

In a heart-wrenching tale of familial betrayal, a woman grapples with the emotional fallout of her father’s infidelity and the financial scars it left behind. After discovering that her father spent her college fund on another family, she now faces a dilemma when he demands repayment for a loan that feels trivial compared to the debt of trust he owes her. This story resonates with anyone who has navigated complex family dynamics, especially when past wounds resurface in unexpected ways. Can she find a way to confront her father’s expectations while honoring her own feelings of betrayal?

Family Drama Over Unpaid Debt

In a complex family situation, a 29-year-old woman reflects on her relationship with her father, who has a troubled past. The following points outline the key aspects of their conflict:

Background: The father, now 60, cheated on the mother and created another family, leading to significant emotional turmoil.
Financial Betrayal: The father spent the college fund that the mother had saved for their daughter, which was a pivotal moment in the daughter’s understanding of her father’s actions.
Narcissistic Behavior: The father was diagnosed as a narcissist and has never openly discussed his infidelity or offered a direct apology, creating a barrier in their relationship.
Current Situation: Last year, during a period of unemployment, the father lent the daughter $300. Recently, he claimed that the amount was actually $800, which led to confusion and tension.
Evidence of Loan Amount: The daughter provided a receipt confirming the loan was only $300, highlighting the discrepancy in her father’s claim.
Emotional Impact: The daughter feels conflicted about repaying the loan, considering the emotional and financial debts her father owes her due to his past actions.
Father’s Expectations: The father insists that a year is too long to wait for repayment and emphasizes the importance of responsibility, which adds to the daughter’s frustration.

The daughter is now contemplating whether she would be the “asshole” if she chose not to repay the loan, given the history of their relationship and the emotional baggage involved. She is seeking advice on how to approach this situation and what to communicate to her father.

Conflict Resolution Considerations

Assessing the Relationship: The daughter must consider the impact of her decision on her relationship with her father and whether it is worth the potential fallout.
Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries regarding financial matters may help her navigate this situation more effectively.
Open Communication: Engaging in a candid conversation about their past and present feelings could lead to better understanding and resolution.
Emotional Healing: Addressing the unresolved issues from their past may be necessary for both parties to move forward positively.

Ultimately, the daughter is faced with a challenging decision that intertwines family drama, financial obligations, and the need for conflict resolution. How she chooses to respond may shape her relationship with her father for years to come.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

For context, my dad, 60M, cheated on my mom, had another family, and spent the college fund my mom had been saving for me since birth on the other woman. That’s actually how my mom figured out he was cheating when I, 29F, was around 15 years old. He was diagnosed as a narcissist and never talked about it with me; he never directly apologized.

We sort of act like it’s never happened. He’s not emotionally open; he wants to be close to me, but I have a wall up. Last year, when I was unemployed, he lent me 300.

The other day, he called me saying that his wife told him it was actually 800. I sent him the receipt showing it was 300. But honestly, I’m just sitting here like it’s 300, you’re my dad, and you technically owe me tens of thousands.

Would I be the asshole if I just didn’t pay him back? He says a year is too long and I need to learn about responsibility. What should I tell him?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the father is in the wrong for not repaying the significant amount of money he owes, with many users emphasizing the importance of accountability and responsibility in adult relationships. Commenters suggest that the original poster (OP) should confront the father about the debt and consider creative ways to repay him without compromising their own financial stability. Overall, the comments reflect a belief that the father should be held accountable for his actions, particularly regarding the drained college fund.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating family dynamics, especially when financial matters and emotional histories are involved, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some practical steps to help both the daughter and the father address their conflict while fostering understanding and accountability.

For the Daughter

Reflect on Your Feelings: Take time to process your emotions regarding your father’s past actions and the current loan situation. Understanding your feelings can help you communicate more effectively.
Gather Evidence: Keep the receipt and any other documentation related to the loan. This will provide clarity during discussions and reinforce your position regarding the loan amount.
Set Up a Meeting: Request a calm, private conversation with your father. Choose a neutral setting where both of you can speak openly without distractions.
Communicate Clearly: During the conversation, express your feelings about the loan and your father’s past actions. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory (e.g., “I feel hurt when I think about the college fund”).
Establish Boundaries: Clearly outline your boundaries regarding financial matters. Let your father know what you are comfortable with in terms of repayment and future financial interactions.
Consider Creative Repayment Options: If you feel inclined to repay the loan, think about ways to do so that won’t strain your finances. This could include a payment plan or offering to help him in other non-financial ways.

For the Father

Reflect on Your Actions: Acknowledge the impact of your past decisions on your daughter. Understanding her perspective can help you approach the situation with empathy.
Be Open to Dialogue: When your daughter reaches out for a conversation, be prepared to listen. Allow her to express her feelings without interruption or defensiveness.
Clarify the Loan Amount: Accept the evidence provided by your daughter regarding the loan amount. Acknowledge the discrepancy and be willing to adjust your expectations accordingly.
Take Responsibility: Recognize the emotional and financial debts you owe your daughter due to your past actions. This acknowledgment can help rebuild trust and improve your relationship.
Discuss Future Financial Interactions: Talk about how you can both approach financial matters moving forward. Establishing clear expectations can prevent misunderstandings in the future.

Moving Forward

Ultimately, both parties should aim for a resolution that respects each other’s feelings and boundaries. Open communication, empathy, and accountability are key components in mending the relationship. By addressing the past while focusing on the present, both the daughter and father can work towards a healthier dynamic.