AITA for refusing to wake my wife up in the morning?

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Wake-Up Call: A Parenting Dilemma

In a relatable tale of parenting struggles, a husband grapples with the daily challenge of waking his night-owl wife while managing their three young children, including a newborn. Despite his attempts to suggest alternatives, she insists on his help, leading to a heated argument that raises questions about responsibility and partnership in parenting. As tensions rise, both parents must confront the realities of sleep deprivation and the complexities of their roles. This story resonates with many who navigate the chaotic world of family life, highlighting the delicate balance between support and personal accountability.

Family Drama Over Morning Wake-Up Routine

A couple is experiencing tension in their household due to differing sleep schedules and responsibilities related to their three young children, including a six-month-old baby. Here’s a breakdown of the situation:

Background:
- The husband (38M) is an early riser, waking up at 5:30 AM for some quiet time before the kids wake up.
- The wife (37F) is a night owl, often staying up late and struggling to wake up in the morning.
- She has a history of being difficult to wake, a trait that has been humorously acknowledged in their family and wedding speeches.
Current Situation:
- The wife is on maternity leave and is frequently up at night nursing the baby, leading to chronic sleep deprivation for both parents.
- After the kids go to bed, the couple spends time tidying up and unwinding, which contributes to her late nights.
- The wife requests that her husband wake her up in the morning and ensure she stays awake.
Conflict:
- The husband has suggested alternatives like using a vibrating alarm, but the wife prefers his assistance.
- On a particularly hectic morning, he woke her up later than agreed, leading to frustration from both sides.
- In a moment of anger, the husband declared he would no longer wake her up, stating she should take responsibility for her own wake-up time.
Aftermath:
- The wife has made passive-aggressive comments since the argument, claiming he is being unreasonable.
- The husband feels that expecting him to manage her wake-up routine daily is unfair, especially given their parenting responsibilities.
- He acknowledges the challenges of parenting but believes that both partners should contribute equally to their routines.
Community Response:
- Responses have varied, with some sympathizing with the husband’s perspective while others suggest he should be more accommodating.
- Many commenters emphasize the importance of teamwork in parenting and the need for conflict resolution strategies.

In summary, this couple is navigating the complexities of parenting and differing sleep habits, leading to family drama and a need for conflict resolution. The husband is seeking clarity on whether he is in the wrong for refusing to wake his wife each morning, while the wife feels unsupported in her struggles with early mornings.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My 38m wife 37f have 3 young kids, including a 6mo baby who still sleeps in our room.

I’m an early bird. I routinely get up at 5:30 am to enjoy a few silent moments of sanity and get some things done before the kids take over.

My wife is a night owl and hates waking up. As a kid growing up, her family nicknamed her “The Lion” on account of her morning temperament and blonde bedhead. They would draw straws, and the loser would have to get her up in the morning.

This topic made it into wedding speeches and continues to be a running joke to this day. That said, she comes by this honestly these days. We’re chronically sleep-deprived because of the kids.

She’s on maternity leave and is up 1-2 times in the night nursing while I’m blissfully passed out beside her, so I don’t blame her for pushing her wake-up times. I also don’t blame her for staying up later, as once the kids go down around 7:30 pm, we put the house back together, then we get stuck on the couch recovering from the day. After that, she might get an hour to watch TV before we do it all over again.

Here’s the issue: she always asks that I 1) wake her up in the morning and 2) ensure she’s awake 10 minutes later. This has frustrated me from the start. I suggested she use a silent vibrating phone alarm or her Apple Watch if she’s concerned about waking the baby, but apparently, those aren’t good enough.

For what it’s worth, I wear my Garmin smartwatch and a cheap $20 dumb silent vibrating alarm wristband that could wake the dead. There have been a few times where I’ve agreed to wake her up at a certain time but forgot or woke her up 15 minutes later. It usually doesn’t cause any issues, but today I got her up at 7:20 am instead of the agreed-upon 7:00 am as I lost track of time attending to my son who woke up early.

It was a particularly difficult morning with cranky kids, and she snapped about how it was just too late to get up with not enough time to get everyone ready. I reached my breaking point and snapped back that moving forward, I absolutely refuse to wake her up in the morning and that she’s a big girl who can be responsible for herself. Since then, she’s made a few snide comments about random little things “apparently being too much to ask” and says I’m being unreasonable by refusing to get her up and make sure she’s actually awake after she inevitably falls back asleep.

I told her if it’s not that much to ask, then it should be simple enough for her to do it herself. So, AITA? I can understand infrequent critical moments like “please make sure I’m awake so I don’t miss my flight,” but making me responsible for her daily wake-up times is absolutely unreasonable at best, even if kids and sleep deprivation are in the mix.

EDIT: Sincerely did not expect this much traction! I’m glad I posted to help gain perspective. Thanks, everyone, for their constructive and not-so-constructive comments.

Parents will understand this is one slice – albeit a large one – out of the overall context of parenting. When the baby was taking a bottle, I was up several times nightly as well. I am also primarily on overnight “sooth” duty when little dude wakes up before a feeding, as I’m able to get him back to sleep when he’s furious, whereas non-nursing-soothing fails for my wife because he goes straight for the boob.

My wife hates pumping, and we’ve agreed upon the split of night feedings as I take up the slack in other areas. Of our relationship issues, zero involve kid-raising. We regularly convey our appreciation for each other in being on the same page parenting-wise, as much of our social and family circle is dealing with stereotypical uninvolved parent stuff.

I also work from home and routinely rearrange my workday to parent. One kid is part-time daycare, part-time home, so I’ve dipped out of meetings to help get him dressed to go outside, feed the kid lunch when she’s putting the baby down, watch the furious toddler who won’t get in the car when my wife goes to pick up our oldest from school, etc. So the “oh wow, dad gets to work all day and doesn’t lift a finger with the kids, and now he won’t even wake her up, typical man” responses are objectively wrong.

Much of the derision in the “you lazy fuck blissfully sleeping, just get her a goddamn coffee, she carried your children” is a tiny bit misguided, just a little heavy on the judgment without knowing the full context of parenting duties. With that said, the more nuanced responses of “nobody’s exactly wrong here, but come on dude, parenting is hard, just wake her up and bring her a coffee, that’s the nicest part of my day” have resonated.

It is exceedingly obvious in the responses who has been a gracious parent partner who has weathered the relationship struggles of maintaining a relationship while raising young kids, and who has not, saying this as a not-fully-gracious partner. Regardless of sentiment expressed, thank you all for responding; I’m on my way up with a coffee right now… albeit 5 minutes late as I was responding to this. Fuck.

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is at fault for not waking his wife in the morning, especially considering her significant sleep deprivation from caring for their child at night. Many users emphasize that OP enjoys uninterrupted sleep while his wife is left to manage the night feeds alone, suggesting that he should take on more responsibilities to support her. Overall, the comments reflect a call for empathy and shared parenting duties, highlighting the challenges of early parenthood.

Verdict: YTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

In navigating the complexities of parenting and differing sleep schedules, it’s essential for both partners to feel supported and understood. Here are some practical steps to help resolve the conflict between the husband and wife:

For the Husband

Empathize with Your Wife: Acknowledge the challenges she faces with sleep deprivation and the demands of caring for a newborn. Express understanding of her struggles and validate her feelings.
Reassess Your Morning Routine: Consider adjusting your wake-up time slightly to help your wife ease into her mornings. This could mean waking her up a bit earlier than necessary to give her time to adjust.
Explore Alternative Solutions Together: While you suggested a vibrating alarm, discuss other options that might work for both of you. Perhaps a gradual light alarm or a gentle wake-up routine could be beneficial.
Share Responsibilities: Take turns managing morning routines and night feeds. This will help both of you feel equally involved and reduce the burden on one partner.

For the Wife

Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Instead of passive-aggressive comments, express your feelings and needs directly. Let your husband know how his support impacts your day positively.
Consider Compromise: While you prefer his assistance in waking up, be open to trying alternative methods that may help you wake up more easily. This shows willingness to collaborate.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own rest and recovery. If possible, take short naps during the day when the baby sleeps to help alleviate some sleep deprivation.
Engage in Team Discussions: Set aside time to discuss parenting responsibilities and routines. This can help both of you feel heard and foster a sense of teamwork.

Joint Steps for Both Partners

Schedule a Calm Discussion: Find a quiet time to talk about the situation without distractions. Approach the conversation with a mindset of collaboration rather than blame.
Set Clear Expectations: Agree on a morning routine that works for both of you. This could include specific times for waking up and responsibilities for the morning.
Check-In Regularly: Make it a habit to check in with each other about how the new routine is working. Adjust as necessary to ensure both partners feel supported.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If conflicts persist, consider seeking the guidance of a family therapist who can help facilitate communication and understanding.

By approaching the situation with empathy, open communication, and a willingness to compromise, both partners can work towards a more harmonious family dynamic that supports their individual needs and responsibilities.