AITA for telling my mom not to babysit anymore when my husband changed his mind?

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AITA for Insisting My Mom Gets Paid Fairly for Childcare?

In a modern family dynamic, a working mother grapples with the complexities of childcare costs and family expectations when her husband questions the value of paying her mother to care for their children. After a heated debate over finances and the worth of familial support, she finds herself torn between her husband’s demands and her commitment to ensuring her mother is compensated fairly for her time and effort. As they navigate the challenges of balancing careers and family, the story raises thought-provoking questions about the value of childcare, the role of grandparents, and the financial realities many families face today.

Family Drama Over Childcare Costs

A couple is facing significant family drama regarding childcare arrangements for their two young daughters, aged 3 and 1. The conflict revolves around the husband’s dissatisfaction with the amount they pay the wife’s mother for childcare, leading to tension and disagreements.

Background:
- The husband is a lawyer, earning $140,000 annually.
- The wife is an engineer, earning $110,000 annually.
- They have two daughters and both work full-time jobs.
Childcare Arrangement:
- The wife’s mother, a nurse, quit her job to care for the grandchildren full-time.
- The couple pays her $3,000 monthly, which is the equivalent of $1,500 per child, to provide care and cooking.
Conflict Over Payment:
- The husband frequently complains about the cost of paying his mother-in-law.
- He expressed his concerns directly to her, which upset her.
- The wife insists that they should compensate her fairly, given the going rates for daycare in their area.
Switch to Daycare:
- After months of arguing, the wife decided to find a daycare instead of continuing with her mother’s care.
- They now pay $3,600 monthly for daycare services, which does not include cooking or flexible pickup times.
- The family has faced multiple illnesses during the winter season, adding to their stress.
Current Situation:
- While the wife was on a business trip, the husband incurred a late pickup fee of $75, which would not have happened with the mother-in-law’s care.
- Now, the husband wants his mother-in-law to return to babysitting, but the wife refuses, citing the need for fair compensation.
- The mother-in-law earns $4,300 monthly as a nurse and would need to be paid a similar amount for childcare.
Wife’s Perspective:
- The wife believes her mother deserves fair pay for her work and should not be expected to provide free childcare.
- She argues that her mother has financial responsibilities and is not simply babysitting.

The couple is now at an impasse, with the husband feeling that the mother-in-law is asking for too much and the wife standing firm on the need for fair compensation. This situation highlights the complexities of family dynamics, financial expectations, and the challenges of conflict resolution in childcare arrangements.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story

My husband is a lawyer and I’m an engineer. We both have intense careers, but he wanted a second child. I was happy with our daughter, but he really wanted another child.

We now have two daughters aged 3 and 1, and I came back from maternity leave. My mom took over full-time caring for them. We both work full-time, so she takes care of them when we work.

My mom is a nurse but quit to look after our kids. I insisted we should pay her the going rate for daycares in the area, which is around $1500 a child. So we pay $3000 for her to care for our children, cook for them, etc.

She will also pick them up sometimes, as we may need to be in the office early. My husband complained a lot about how expensive it was to pay her. He makes $140k, and I make $110k, so we can afford to pay her.

But he thinks we are overpaying her and complained about it to her face. My mom is not very confrontational, but she got very upset. I argued with him on this for months until I decided it was better for her to go back to work and for us to use daycare.

Finding a daycare was hard, and now we pay $1800 a child for daycare. Daycares obviously will not pick up your children, nor will they cook for them. We have less time now and at a higher cost for our children to be sick a lot during the winter season.

So far this year, we have been sick as an entire household three times. I was on a business trip, and my husband was late picking up our children, which resulted in a $75 late charge that my mom would not have charged extra for. My husband is now demanding that my mom leave her job to go back to babysitting our children, but I won’t let her because he did no research into the real cost of childcare and kept complaining about how expensive it is, even when I showed him.

My mom, even part-time, makes $4300 a month as a nurse, and I told my husband if we want her doing the childcare, we need to pay her that amount. Remember, we already pay $3600 for daycare. He wants her to go back to the $3000 charge and is angry, claiming my mom is asking for too much for such a simple job and that a grandma taking care of her grandchildren is a privilege.

I told her not to quit and him that she isn’t babysitting, which reduces his number of free hours and makes our lifestyle harder, so he is angry at me for demanding we pay her what I feel she is owed. My mom probably would do it for free if we wanted, but I definitely don’t think it’s fair. She needs to save for retirement, and she has bills as well.

AITA here?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the original poster (OP) is not at fault (NTA) for her stance on childcare arrangements. Many users criticize the husband for his entitled attitude towards OP’s mother, emphasizing that he cannot dictate her worth or time, especially after previously benefiting from her help. Overall, commenters advocate for OP to stand firm in valuing her mother’s contributions and to not allow her husband to undermine that relationship.

Verdict: NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving Childcare Conflict

Family dynamics can be challenging, especially when it comes to childcare arrangements and financial expectations. Here are some practical steps to help both the husband and wife navigate this conflict while addressing their concerns and maintaining a healthy family relationship.

Steps for Resolution

Open Communication:
Both partners should sit down for an open and honest discussion about their feelings regarding childcare costs. It’s essential to create a safe space where each person can express their thoughts without judgment.
Understand Each Other’s Perspectives:
The husband should acknowledge the wife’s perspective on fair compensation for her mother’s work. Conversely, the wife should listen to the husband’s concerns about the financial burden and explore his feelings about the costs involved.
Research Childcare Options:
Both partners should research local daycare rates and compare them with what they were paying the mother-in-law. This can help them understand the market value of childcare services and make informed decisions.
Consider a Compromise:
Explore the possibility of a middle ground. For instance, they could negotiate a rate that is fair for the mother-in-law while also being manageable for the couple. This could involve a reduced rate for a set number of hours or days per week.
Evaluate Financial Priorities:
Both partners should review their overall budget and financial priorities. This can help them determine how much they can realistically allocate for childcare without causing undue stress.
Involve the Mother-in-Law:
If both partners are open to it, they could involve the mother-in-law in the discussion. This can provide clarity on her expectations and financial needs, fostering a collaborative approach to the situation.
Set Boundaries and Expectations:
Once a decision is made, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries and expectations moving forward. This includes discussing how often the mother-in-law will babysit, what her responsibilities will be, and how payment will be handled.
Revisit the Agreement Regularly:
As circumstances change, it’s important to revisit the childcare arrangement regularly. This allows both partners to reassess their needs and make adjustments as necessary.

Conclusion

Resolving conflicts around childcare requires empathy, understanding, and a willingness to compromise. By following these steps, both partners can work towards a solution that respects the contributions of the mother-in-law while also addressing the financial concerns of the husband. Ultimately, the goal is to create a harmonious environment that supports their family’s needs.