WIBTA If I told my boyfriends mom to stop using my disability as an example of how ” good of a mother” she is?

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When Support Turns Awkward: A Blind Date with Discomfort

In a budding relationship, one woman navigates the complexities of her boyfriend’s mother’s well-meaning but misguided comments about her partial blindness. While the mother insists she embraces all types of partners for her son, her repeated references to the woman’s disability as a badge of honor leave her feeling uneasy. This relatable dilemma raises questions about the fine line between support and insensitivity, making readers reflect on their own experiences with well-intentioned but awkward conversations. Will she confront the issue or let it slide to maintain harmony?

Family Drama Over Disability Remarks

A young woman, who is partly blind, finds herself in a delicate situation involving her boyfriend’s mother. Despite her disability not affecting her work or emotional well-being, she is faced with a recurring issue that has sparked some internal conflict.

Background: The woman has been dating her boyfriend for about five months. They met at a restaurant where they both work, and she quickly became acquainted with his mother, who frequently visits the establishment.
Positive Relationship: The woman describes her boyfriend’s mother as an amazing person with whom she gets along well. The mother has always expressed her unconditional support for her son’s dating choices, emphasizing that she only cares about his happiness.
Uncomfortable Remarks: After discovering the woman’s partial blindness, the mother began to include it in her statements about her acceptance of different types of partners. She often lists various physical attributes and backgrounds, now adding her daughter-in-law’s disability as an example of her open-mindedness.
Emotional Impact: The young woman feels uncomfortable with these remarks. While she believes the mother does not intend to offend, she is concerned that her disability is being used as a talking point in a way that feels patronizing.

The woman is now contemplating whether to address this issue directly with her boyfriend’s mother. She is torn between wanting to maintain a good relationship and feeling the need to express her discomfort. The potential for family drama looms, as she worries that bringing it up might upset the mother, who is known to be a people pleaser.

Conflict Resolution: The woman is seeking advice on whether it would be appropriate to ask her boyfriend’s mother to refrain from mentioning her disability in this context. She is concerned about being perceived as ungrateful or overly sensitive.
Considerations: She recognizes that the mother likely does not realize how her comments might be interpreted. The woman is weighing the importance of her feelings against the potential for creating tension within the family dynamic.

Ultimately, the young woman is left wondering if she would be the “asshole” for wanting to address her discomfort or if it is reasonable to seek a more respectful dialogue regarding her disability. This situation highlights the complexities of family relationships and the challenges of navigating sensitive topics.

This is Original story from Reddit

Image credit: Pixabay (This is example image – Not the actual photo)

Story Context

I am partly blind. This has never affected my work, and I can do everything just fine. It also doesn’t affect me on an emotional level, as I was born this way, and I honestly don’t give it much thought.

My boyfriend and I have only been dating for about five months now, but I met his mother really early in our relationship since we work at the same restaurant. She often came to have coffee here. This post is not to bash her in any way; she is an amazing woman, and we get along really well.

The issue I have is that she has always strongly stated that she has told my boyfriend she doesn’t care who he dates as long as he is happy. Her words were, “fat, slim, tall, blonde, brunette, white, Hispanic, black, I do not care as long as she makes my son happy.” She found out about my disability when she noticed I need to be really close to things to be able to read something and asked me about it.

Now, whenever she goes on her rant of “I don’t care who my son dates,” she makes it a point to bring up my partial blindness as an example of the categories she has listed. This honestly makes me quite uncomfortable, and I’m sure she doesn’t mean it in a harmful way. That is why I am wondering if I would be the asshole to bring it up with her or just suck it up and deal with it because she is quite a people pleaser.

I know she will be very upset to find out she is making me uncomfortable because I’m sure she doesn’t realize how that might be offensive to me. So, WIBTA if I told my boyfriend’s mom to stop bringing my disability up as an example of how “good of a mother” she is?

View the Original Reddit Post Here

Summary of Reddit Comments

The top Reddit comments indicate a strong consensus that the boyfriend’s mother is not genuinely supportive but rather engages in microaggressions by frequently emphasizing her acceptance of the girlfriend’s disability. Users highlight that her behavior comes off as virtue signaling, making the girlfriend feel uncomfortable and objectified rather than accepted. Many commenters suggest that a conversation with the mother could help clarify her intentions and address the awkwardness of her remarks.

Verdict

NTA

Expert Advice for Resolving the Conflict

Navigating sensitive topics, especially regarding disabilities, can be challenging. It’s important to approach this situation with empathy and clarity. Here are some practical steps for the young woman to consider when addressing her discomfort with her boyfriend’s mother:

Steps to Address the Issue

Reflect on Your Feelings: Before initiating a conversation, take some time to reflect on how the mother’s comments make you feel. Write down specific instances that have bothered you, focusing on why they felt patronizing or uncomfortable.
Choose the Right Time and Place: Find a calm and private setting to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend’s mother. Avoid bringing it up during family gatherings or busy times at work, as this may lead to misunderstandings or heightened emotions.
Use “I” Statements: When you talk to her, frame your feelings using “I” statements to express how her comments affect you personally. For example, say, “I feel uncomfortable when my disability is mentioned in a way that seems to highlight it as a point of acceptance.” This approach helps to avoid sounding accusatory.
Clarify Your Perspective: Explain that while you appreciate her support, you would prefer if your disability were not used as a talking point. Emphasize that you want to be seen as an individual beyond your disability, which is an important part of your identity but not the entirety of it.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Invite her to share her thoughts and feelings. This can help create a two-way conversation where both parties feel heard. It may also provide her with insight into how her comments are perceived.
Reassure Her Intentions: Acknowledge that you believe she means well and that you value her support. This can help soften the conversation and make her more receptive to your feedback.
Set Boundaries: Politely but firmly express your desire for her to refrain from mentioning your disability in future conversations. Setting clear boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Follow Up: After the conversation, check in with her after some time to see how she feels about the discussion. This can reinforce your relationship and show that you care about her feelings as well.

Considerations for Both Sides

For You: Remember that advocating for yourself is not being ungrateful; it’s about fostering a respectful relationship. Your feelings are valid, and addressing them can lead to a healthier dynamic.
For the Mother: Understand that she may not realize how her comments are perceived. Approach the conversation with patience, as it may take time for her to adjust her behavior.

Ultimately, open communication is key. By addressing your discomfort with kindness and clarity, you can help foster a more respectful and understanding relationship with your boyfriend’s mother.